21 (2008)

Who's in It: Jim Sturgess, Kevin Spacey, Kate Bosworth, Laurence Fishburne
The Basics: The answer to the question, "When will someone get the big idea to remake Ocean's Eleven, but with cards like in Lucky You, but also with really young hot people, but also really lame and boring?" The plot: MIT kids, who should all really be modeling somewhere, learn how to beat Vegas at its own game, thanks to a wily old professor/card shark (Spacey).

What's the Deal? When I'm watching a movie about a heist or a big scam of some kind, my favorite part is knowing the mechanics of that crime. I want to see it all ticking like clockwork. And then I want my criminals to be charming and funny so I can get with their misdeeds in good conscience. So this, of course, goes out of its way to be not particularly smart, even though it's about really smart people, and to sacrifice caper for interpersonal relationships. "Ooh, my girlfriend thinks I'm consumed with ambition. Oh, my moral dilemmas." Yawn.

Who's Good: Spacey. Just like in Fred Claus and every other not-great film he tries to save, Spacey is one of the movies' best mean jerks. So even though this film is beneath his abilities (and yet he's also the executive producer, so he shares part of the blame all the same), he's fun to watch be unscrupulous.

What's Extra Dull: People playing cards. It seems that barely anyone can make this activity fun to look at. The latest version of Casino Royale was pretty cool. Even The Sting made it seem like kind of a blast. But here it's like watching mold grow on cheese.

Like Better Luck Tomorrow, But White: In real life (because this is loooooooooosely based on a real story), all the kids were Asian. But Hollywood has this affirmative-action policy for white people, see, just to give them a sorely needed leg up, and so this version is just more, you know, balanced.


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Wild Hogs

They say you shouldn’t take any notice of what people say – unless, of course, they are referring to either the latest Tim Allen movie; or the latest John Travolta blunder, or the latest Martin Lawrence debacle. Then, you should take notice of what they say. They’re probably right – and they could be saving you not only money, but also giving you back an hour-and-a-half of your life.

Those same people will be stuck for words when they hear that it’s the three of them – yep, The Santa Clause; Danny Zuko and Big Momma– sharing the screen this time. Well, that’s almost an unexplainable, undreamt of occurrence – right? Surely, the trade ad’s got it wrong?

All one can to say that has encountered such a trite triple act is… bring the Kleenex; this is so sad, you’ll be in tears till Wild Hogs hits DVD.

And not in a good way.

Admittedly, Travolta; Allen and Lawrence have all had their share of hits – Travolta with Grease, Saturday Night Fever and Pulp Fiction; Allen with The Santa Clause films, and Lawrence with Bad Boys and its sequel – but in latter years, they’re the emblem of washed-up desperate has-beens. Everything they touch… turns to shit. It’s a pity. They all have their merits. But Wild Hogs smells of nothing more than three men joining forces in a singular attempt to resurrect all of their careers. And, what better way to do it than in a family-friendly Disney comedy, hey? They go well, right? They’re usually OK, too…

Whilst the verdict’s not yet out on how well this’ll do (box office suggests it may just make enough money for Disney to pay the Hell’s Angels after they sued them for using their name in an earlier draft of the script), the pronouncement is in on just how OK this is… and the answer resembles a see-saw in need of oiling. In other words, it’s very wonky.

Travolta, Allen, Lawrence and Macy (he’s the guy that needs this the least) play four middle-aged losers – all screaming for a bit of excitement in their lives – that decide to hit the open highway for a break. The ‘Wild Hogs’ (as the patchwork on their jackets declare them) don’t get too far though, when they encounter a rowdy gang of ‘real’ bikers (led by Ray Liotta), and ultimately, inadvertently burn down their bar.

You can pretty much guess the rest – Wild Hogs seek solace in nearby small town, where they make a couple of new friends, but their peaceful stop-over is interrupted by their old friends, seeking vengeance for the bar – right?

The problem with the film isn’t so much the actors – they, in fact, make it worthwhile; and from what I hear, worked from an unworkable script – but the very Vanilla script. It’s a bit of a mess. Ya see, this is supposed to be a ‘road’ movie, but yet the guys seem to be only on their bikes, riding down the desert highway, for about 15 mins of the film – before they permanently stop off, for the rest of the movie, at the one locale. One can’t help but think if the script actually took the guys ‘somewhere’ – rather than the one little diner in the one little town – it might have actually been a little more endurable. In its current form, Disney really should ask writer Brad Copeland for their cheque back.

But yes, the actors do deserve a slap across the cheeks for even pretending we’d want to see them in something like this. If anything, all three (four; including Macy) should’ve had their respective agents send this script back to Disney marked ‘unread’. I mean, the fact that the guy who directed Van Wilder and Buying the Cow, Walt Becker, was attached to direct this . . .should’ve been enough to put them off from the moment it was Fed-Ex’d over to their agencies.

Travolta, Allen and Lawrence are three actors screaming for credibility right now… and this won’t give it to them. Travolta needs a hit like there’s no tomorrow – dude, fire your agent; maybe get back in with Jonathan Krane – Allen’s been exposed as the one-trick wonder he is (he may wear different outfits in movies; be it a Santa suit or a dog suit, but here’s still doing the same ol’ “ho, ho, hooo” shtick), and Lawrence? Well, there’s a reason they pay Chris Tucker $25 million a movie - and it’s because they know whose next in line to grab the role if Tucker passes. Together, they’re like the Three Desperate Stooges.

But Wild Hogs isn’t all bad… in fact, for about 16 mins there… I thought it might’ve turned out OK. Maybe that’s because there were 16 pages of script… and the rest was just made up as they went along? (According to the grapevine, that’s reportedly the case).

These Wild Hogs are cooked beyond consumption.


Wild Hogs
Australian release: 8th March, 2007
Cast: John Travolta, Tim Allen, Martin Lawrence, William H. Macy, Tichina Arnold
Director: Walt Becker, Jack Gill

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One Two Three

Director: Ashwini Dheer
Cast: Suniel Shetty, Tusshar Kapoor, Paresh Rawal, Sameera Reddy
Rating:*.5


Comedy has become a compromise in cinema. Noise, nonsense and no-brainer pass off as humour. Wit is on a vacation and slapstick is here to stay.

The plot of One Two Three is devised on the archaic idea of mistaken identities to conjure up a comedy of errors. While David Dhawan and Priyadarshan have partially applied this formula in their films, director Ashwini Dheer excogitates his entire movie on this convention. ‘What’s in a name’ said William Shakespeare. Were the bard alive today, he would have only apologized for coining a phrase that instigated Bollywood to make a frenzied film hell-bent to prove the idiom wrong. One Two Three has three persons by the same name who land up at the same hotel to induce you the same trauma of watching the same slapstick story again.

Tusshar Kapoor as Lamxinarayan 1 plays a wannabe don which is as much analogous to his real-life character of a struggling actor. Despite repeated attempts he fails to make it big in the mafia (or movie-dom). He’s on his last chance to redeem himself in the underworld with a contract killing. As he is the only eligible bachelor (i.e. amongst the cast of the film), the director makes him indulge in an affair with a Madrasi Miss (Esha Deol) who designs underwear. The girl justifies their chemistry quoting, “I design underwear because I was always fascinated with the underworld”. Oh so underwhelming!

Suniel Shetty arrives as Laxminarayan 2 with all his dialogues designed to end with an interrogation mark, something more grueling than the constabulary grilling. His boss abuses him with the choicest of ‘familiar’ profanities for his annoying and irrelevant left-right-left questioning sessions. Perhaps that’s the only realistic scene of the film as the audience can completely relate with his boss’ sentiments.

Paresh Rawal sums up for Laxminarayan 3 who proudly proclaims to read the innermost feelings... oops fittings of every woman in the town. He is a lingerie hawker with an eagle-eye which can ‘figure out’ every female measurement to perfection. And the Delhi aunties only take pride in getting evaluated by his x-ray vision. Its persuasion and not perversion, they believe. ‘Bra’vo!

The film also employs the customary conspiracy of hidden diamonds, which has become mandatory to almost all comedy films of today. The diamond worth crores lands in the hands of a couple (Upen Patel – Tanisha) who work as salesperson in a car showroom. Even the antique cars in their showroom show more screen presence than this plastic pair. The diamond gives way for the conventional car chases, chaos and confusion in the climax, so reminiscent of Priyadarshan film finales.

Want to sample some more caricature characters? There are plenty. There is a mafia kingpin called... no not Godfather... but Papa (Mukesh Tiwari) who pluralizes every English word in his speech adding an s to it. But his gags don’t evoke laughter even singularly. He has two henchmen named ‘Albert’ and ‘Pinto’. By now the director shouldn’t ask audience ko gussa kyun aata hain . How one wishes the writer had paid more attention in sketching a more eventful screenplay than concentrating on creating rhymes in Manoj Pahwa’s dialogues. As compensation, they should have at-least not edited out Sameera Reddy’s lingerie long-shot. Bikini’s the best she can display. And it’s anytime better than Paresh Rawal’s petrified look in the same shot.

Suniel Shetty underplays his character to such an extent that even the regularly repetitive Rawal’s act comes across as much relief (but only) in comparison. Tusshar Kapoor should take tips from colleague Uday Chopra and gift himself (and the audiences) voluntary retirement from acting. Esha Deol perfectly compliments her onscreen costar (Tusshar Kapoor) but in his off-screen infamy repute. Since Sameera can’t get into the skin of character, she should stick to displaying the skin of her character. Upen Patel and Tanishaa should join the art department as the best they qualify is as decorative artifacts. Surprisingly from the entire cast, its side-comedian Sanjay Mishra who induces the leftover laughs by imitating yesteryear villain Jeevan in this lame attempt at comedy.

One Two Three doesn’t let you scot-free. You have to pay the price of losing your sanity. If comedies continue to be the same, we might soon lose our sense of humour too.

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